Posted March 7, 2013on:
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I try to live my life with no regrets. I am truly one of those people who believes that everything happens for a reason and whatever is meant to be, will be. Of course I’ve had my share of heartbreak / disappointment / bad choices over the years, but I really believe all of these situations have helped mold into the strong woman I am today. However, there is one choice in my life that I will always regret no matter how hard I try to tell myself it was for the best and there was no other option. That choice is having Isabella be in daycare from the time she was 12 weeks old up until this very moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love her daycare (for the most part) and I can say with full confidence that she’s taken care of and safe, but I still don’t like it. Knowing that someone else spends more time with my child than I do absolutely kills me inside. They were the ones who comforted her when she was a baby crying out for her Mama. They were the ones who might’ve possibly seen her roll over for the first time, crawl for the first time, take her first steps, etc. They are the ones who are always there M-F from early morning till evening and it makes me crazy. Yes, I know she’s learned a lot and gained valuable social skills, but I selfishly don’t care about that and wish it was me who could’ve taught her all of these things.
Isabella has never known what it’s like to be home with her Mama all the time. She’s grown up being raised at a daycare center and it absolutely sucks big donkey balls. Of course I spend every waking and sleeping moment with her when she’s not at school, but a part of me still feels like that is not enough. She is my baby, not theirs and it kills me they spend all of these precious moments with her. Precious moments that no matter what I will never get back. It makes me teary eyed just thinking about all of the years that have gone by with her at school.
I understand we all do what we have to do and we needed to be two working parents in order to buy our home, put food on the table, clothes on her back, etc. But I still hate it and will always regret not being home with her for the past five years. When she was a small baby a friend said “If you can’t afford to raise your own children then you shouldn’t be having them”. I know that person just made the comment in general and it wasn’t directed towards me, but it stayed with me and has bothered me ever since. You know that little voice in your head that tells you that you’re not good enough or whatever you’re doing is wrong? Well, my little voice constantly tells me there’s something else I can do to make this work. Something. Anything. There’s got to be something. And you know what?! There is something else that I can do and I will do! I will become a stay-at-home-mommy or at least a working P/T mommy so I can be there for my daughter. I have to and I will. Somehow I will make this work.
Isabella starts kindergarten this Fall and that schedule won’t align w/ my work schedule so things will be changing. I will be there for my daughter every single day and every single school vacation and day off. She is my #1 priority and damnit I WILL make sure that I am there for her. I can’t undo these past 5 years, but I can be there for all the upcoming years when she needs me and I will.
As I’ve said before everything happens for a reason and while I can’t explain the reason for having to be in daycare, I do know that things are FINALLY lining right up where they need to be and I couldn’t be happier or more excited. I am very blessed to have an understanding hubby who agrees the most important place for me to be is home w/ our daugther and we will make this work. I am not saying I want to be a SAHM who sits around the house all day while the kids are at school as I do plan to work P/T mother’s hours, but I do need to be home when she is home. If anyone out there wants to hire a cute and devoted Mama for a few hours a week and are willing to pay me big bucks then let me know — I’m your girl, ha ha!